Stop Love Shaming Me

Love shaming. Please, let's just quit cold turkey.

Yes, think body shaming or slut shaming but instead people are getting bashed for loving someone. WHAT?! It sounds absolutely ridiculous.  You would think people would just love the world around them including those in love.  Oh... so not the case! And it's heart breaking, annoying, and sad.


I've experienced it first hand and I've heard people doing it about others. I just don't get it.  Why would we ever want someone to feel horrible about the adventure that they're on?  Who are we to judge?  And why are we so fast to do so?

What I'm talking about is not when a friend has true concerns about the health of a relationship and expresses them with a sincere heart.  I'm talking about the snide comments, the looks, the talking behind their "friends" backs, or the mockery that happens around "quick" relationships.  It may just be my age group that does it, I 'm not sure.  But I think it's "easy" for my age group to do it because everyone is in a different walk of life.  Whether single and working it, single and mingling, dating, engaged, married, expecting, a house full of family.. in the 20s and early 30s you can easily find it all!


Being single, a life of mingling, or being married- there is no right or wrong answer for love.

The thing that gets me about those that love shame should look inward.  And that more often than not it's not just comments.  It's actions, looks, words, and then the assuming of what the "couple" would want to do or be interested in.

If someone told me a couple years ago that my "friends" would love shame me, go along for the ride, and eventually throw my husband and I out of the picture I wouldn't have believed them.  Love shaming starts with comments like "she's a train wreck", " they moved fast", "aren't they a little young", or "didn't she just have a break up?"  Love shaming doesn't just happen to those in relationships.  People get bashed all the time for "getting back out there too quickly", "not knowing what they want", or "not letting the past go".

I was dating someone when I met David.  And before we knew it, I had made decisions and he and I started dating.  One year later, we were engaged.  And boy did we get some looks and even "friends" made comments.  We weren't stupid and we're still not.  But you know what- we FELL, we literally fell in love.  You can't decide when you fall in love, it just happens. Even still, I feel that there are people out there who look at "young relationships" just waiting for them to "crash and burn".  Not just young marriages, but engagements or even after just a first or second date.

Why are people so spiteful and have so much hate in their heart?  Why are they sending negatively to those of us that are just creating more "love" in the world and are in genuine happiness?  What's so bad about being madly in love?  Nothing.

So to all of you in love- young, old, fresh, or forever- keep on lovin'!  To those of you out there and putting your heart on the line- keep following your heart and don't ever let anyone make you feel unworthy of love or ready for that belly turning, heart thumping, ADVENTURE!

leave the "eh" behind

hugs, abi

Is a "thank you" too much to ask for?!

Whether it be from your child, coworker, spouse, or friend- don't you just want to hear the words "thank you" every once in a while?  This idea came to me after a longggg Tuesday and during my reading of '5 Love Languages'.

We might not all feel emotional fulfillment from words of affirmation.  But I'd dare to say all of us do enjoy feeling appreciated.  It feels good on the outside- maybe you walk a bit taller.  And it feels good on the inside, maybe you get butterflies or just have a happy heart moment.

On average 1 in 3 adults do not get the minimum recommended amount of sleep.  Why?  Part of it is because people are overworked, over booked, and have jam packed calendars.  I can't preach about that.. I have 4 part time jobs myself.  (my own fault, I know) But with most of us working so hard, wouldn't it be nice to at least feel good inside and appreciated.   Don't you think it might make us feel more fulfilled in those areas of our lives?

I've been trying to be purposeful about the thank you's I've been sending Dave's way recently.  He is the lawn mower in the house.  No doubt about it!  But when he mowed the lawn this week I asked myself, "how many times have I thanked him after mowing the lawn?"

I wasn't really sure.  So that meant I can definitely improve in this area.  Even if Dave's love language isn't words of affirmation.. acknowledgment and appreciation can only help.

Don't you get a little spark when someone says "thank you", "you're the bomb", or something along those lines?  So that's my challenge to you.  Even if it's not your spouses love language, you have no idea what I mean by love language, or you're thinking about the workplace, gym, or home- I challenge you to try and say "thank you" at least 5 times a day. (yes, think and then intentionally say it!)

Is that so hard?  No!  So why do we let things slide by?  I don't think the majority of us feel a stranger must hold the door for us, a child give us a compliment, or a friend do the dishes after dinner.  I completely understand routine.  But come on people, that cannot be our excuse!

So hold yourself accountable- make someone's day, speak their love language, or just acknowledge someone's kindness and watch your world and the other person's world brighten!

leave the eh behind

and gosh darn it say thank you

hugs,

abi

I never thought we'd go 2 years without it

In some ways the last two years have flown by and in other areas, not so much.  Well it's been 2 years since the last time we took the time and did it- and this time it was marriage shaking!

That's right!  We haven't watched the dvd of our wedding ceremony in over 2 years  We sat down a couple weeks ago, cuddled up on the couch, and watched it on our third anniversary.

Initially, I thought we'd watch it every six months.  I mean I love, love.  And I love our love the most.  But jokes on me and my "cutesy" goals.  Life happens and we only took the time to watch it once before, on our first anniversary.

I wouldn't change a thing about watching it though because that night, our anniversary of THIS year, I will never forget as long as I live.  It's amazing how things intertwine in our lives.  I just started reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" and the chapter I just finished completely hit on where we are in our marriage.  (I'll talk about it more in a later blog post- awesome book!) - but essentially David and I and billions of happy couples are no longer in the obsessive compulsive stage of falling in love.  We are in a different, but very fulfilling stage.

So what did watching our wedding video due that was so earth shattering?  Well first, it was so neat to see all our loved ones three years younger.  We saw our college friends and their little antics in the back and we got to relive the laughs and tears that took place during the ceremony.

So what?  Through the tears of the moment, I grinned from ear to ear as we saw the doors open and my dad and I came down the aisle.

I can't explain everything I felt inside but as we were cuddled up on the couch I could physically feel Dave's heart beat-it went faster and faster as the doors opened and I got closer to him at the altar.

To me, it's just what I needed.  He didn't have to say a single word.  I simply felt his body's natural response to a monumental moment in our lives,  I became overwhelmed with the sense that he loves the crap out of me- today and everyday.

No he didn't say that; I'm just assuming.  But his anniversary card did say something pretty close!  But it's not the cute card with Charlie Brown that I'll remember- but the feeling of his heart and the pure joy I sensed inside.

So are we going to watch it every year?  Do I recommend you watch yours often?  Nah, I'd say wait.  It'll probably be well worth it!

leave the eh behind

hugs,

abi

I Got On Stage Last Night

Yes, almost three years married and I got on stage at the bar.  Just because you have a ring on your finger doesn't mean you have to be a bump on a log!

I absolutely love live music and my "introvert coat" tends to come off when I'm with my best friends and music is playing.  So yeah, I was on stage with my friends, the piano player, and then a bachelorette party I was definitely not a part of.  And David knew it.  He was at a table just chatting and hanging with a friend, doing his thing.

I would've done it whether he was there or not!  Remember now, dueling piano bar, nothing too risky.  But still, some wouldn't even think about it out of fear of what their significant other would say or do.  That's no way to live!  (And honestly, it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time)

So what does it mean?  Dave just doesn't care?  Or that I don't care about him...   No, it means we both have an unwavering amount of trust and that we know what we got into!

David met me when I was 20 and let's just say that 20 year old girl will always be in me (even if just a little bit).  And I hope he'd be sad if that wasn't the case.  I'm still the care-free, adventurous college girl he fell in love with and she's not going anywhere!  (sorry, not sorry)  So just remember your significant other, is still that same person you fell in love with so many years ago. And even if they're not 22 anymore, they still need to be able to let go and be carefree for a bit here and there.  We put too much on our plates most times as adults and "adult too hard".  We all need to let go a bit and that could look differently for every single person.  But we need it, to stay mentally and emotionally happy and healthy.  So if something is just calling your name and maybe it's not very "adult-y", by all means- if it's something you want to do- just do it!

I think sometimes couples get too serious and it turns into routine and monotonous rather than still being "young" and enjoying life together, letting the other thrive and like Tim McGraw says to "live like you're dying".  Don't forget doing something silly like getting on stage might just cause your guy or girl to have the biggest smile because they love the crap out of you or they'll take a video to show your kids and laugh with you later about it.  Know your level of trust with each other and be willing to let each other breathe and grow- it's crucial to a healthy relationship.

leave the "eh" behind

and go dance your butt off!

hugs,

abi 

10 GO-TOs for a lifetime of I DO's

So that couple seems OH SO HAPPY!  Don't be envious. 

That girl is smokin' hot. Don't dream, desire, or act on it!

Yeah, you fight a lot. That doesn't mean it's over. 

THE GRASS IS GREEN WHERE YOU WATER IT--

in the front yard, back yard, and in relationships. 

If you're frustrated, envious, broken, hurting, alone.. ask yourself why. And DO something about it.  Don't run or hide.  But do something about it, water your grass and watch your relationship flourish.   

If you've been together a while then there's bound to be things you could bring up to tear the other person down.  A big fight, miscommunication, being hurt, ignored, or family conflict.  If they're trying to change, we've got to encourage them to do so without throwing the rocks.   I know it's easier said than done because some acts or words will always be a "trump card" but if there's legitimate effort to change.. help them out!

Your spouse isn't any different... students, athletes, bosses, cashiers.. tone matters and we all know it.  So we can't let that go when we are talking with our spouse.  We can express hurt, anger, disappointment, etc without being rude, disrespectful and in result causing more damage. 

 

Don't get me wrong.. I am all about my family and friends.  But my mom said it perfectly to me when David and I got engaged.  "Dave is your family now, you need to do what works for you two."  My mom is right (more often than I'd sometimes like to admit).  And I say this to myself often when calendaring, planning holidays, etc.  He is my number 1, I would still do anything for those dear to me but it's US and we need to do what works for US. (Even if others don't understand or agree sometimes)

Whether it's gambling, sex, drugs, or alcohol, etc.. all things these provide temporary pleasure.  Pleasure to the point you forget your problems or you forget about that ring on your finger.  Regret will set in faster than you can walk out of the bar, sober up, or get your pants on.  I'm not saying a trip to the casino or having a few drinks will bring you regret.. but when it's affecting your marriage, your friendships, your work.. it has become a problem.

I understand people love the bachelor and bachelorette ("reality tv" hooks yea somehow), but I have doubt about such quick "love-seeking" relationships.  A happy marriage starts with a foundation of friendship.  Yes, things can happen quickly.  Dave and I were "friends" and dating for one year and then got engaged.  But we were friends and because of that foundation we continue to still have fun together.  (And on top of that.. I tend to believe they'll come into your life or the picture, right when you least expect and when you're not looking for someone)

Money is great.  So is having some capital letters after your name and so are those name brand golf clubs and handbags.  But those things can't love you back and they won't truly give you happiness.  We need to give our spouse more attention and more love than we give the other things.  Many of us work 40 + hours a week.  Do we even spend half that amount of time doing quality things with our spouse?  (not just sleeping) It's definitely something to think about... 

I know we sometimes cringe when we see PDA especially if it's your parents or grandparents.  But that should be our goal- to still be attracted to the other person and to feel a connection with that person even when we're a little wrinkly or saggy.

Dave and I are not there yet.. but we see it all around us.  And it's so true!  Once you are parents...your relationship matters that much more.  You don't just become a mom or dad- you form a unique family.  You need to be a husband or wife first to keep your family whole.  Those little ones, or big ones (yes adult children too) count on you!

I've heard "too much" on a couple occasions from my mom and grandma but it must be true.  I do know that my grandparents were "frisky" until a just a couple years before my grandpa passed.  And talk about love!  They were it!  68 years of marriage.  So if that means you have to fight clean.. and have some fun in between the sheets.. well so be it!

Remember these 10 and you'll have a lifetime of "I DO"!

leave the "eh" behind

hugs,

abi

What Marriage Spark?

I'm not quite 25 and my husband and I have been married almost 3 years now.  I'm not going to say we're perfect.. but I honestly wouldn't change a thing about getting married "young".  I actually love the way things fell in place and I truly believe the following things keep the spark in our marriage.  I swear some days it feels like we've been married a week and sometimes like we've been married 20 years.  Whether we feel like pros or like we're still in the honeymoon phase.. each and every day, there's a spark with him. 

I think it's because...

We really do kiss each other goodnight.. every night, no matter what.  
Even if we're in a little tiff, had a pretty "quiet" dinner, or if someone's not feeling too good - there's always a good night kiss.  We promised ourselves that when we started dating.  There's just something about the kiss that says, "I love you and we got this."  (Even if that means we'll talk about "it" tomorrow)

We are not attached at the hip.
I do girls nights, he hangs with the guys, and not necessarily on the same night.  Yes, we might leave the other at home.  And of course, I miss him when I crawl into my best gal's bed at the end of the night.  But that's what we need.. some "ME" time.  ( I hate to say it.. but that's the hardest part about getting married young though.  So many people then pretend or assume that you are attached at the hip now.  So then you may see some invites or friendships decline, and it hurts) I think the "ME" time allows us to miss each other, allows us to appreciate each other, allows us to to be "friend" first, and reinforces our unwavering trust.

We say "I love you" often, and I mean OFTEN. 

We say it in words, and try to as much as possible in actions.  Who doesn't want to be reminded that they are loved.  Sometimes I catch myself saying "I just love you".  Because when you think about it.. it's true.  Even if I started dinner too early, and it's super cold by the time he gets home.. it's just "because I love him" :)

He's my best friend. 

(don't get me wrong.. I have others, duh.  I need someone to get ice cream with, indulge in wine, talk about Dave with, and to see a chick flick with.  Or heck, to be their wing woman!)  But in all seriousness, Dave is my best friend.  We're not just husband and wife.. we are friends.  We rag on each other like friends, we do stupid things together, we count the hours until we see each other, and everything is better with him by my side.

We both wear "the pants".
People joke and ask who wears the pants in relationships.  Some days it may seem like one more than the other.  But really, we both have a pant leg.  We hold budget meetings each month, we calendar together, we make plans to tackle debt, and we both do work around the house. And we both have hopes and dreams that the other supports.  


Lastly, we laugh. A lot. 
We laugh at each other, at ourselves, and just when we are together in general.  What fun is life if you don't laugh?  People wouldn't believe how odd things may be sometimes in our house.. but we make each other laugh, even if sometimes someone ends up with a scratch, bruise, or minor concussion!  What's a marriage without laughter and being able to see your #1 with a big ol' smile?

       

  

leave the "eh" behind

and love with spark again

hugs,

abi