Stop Love Shaming Me

Love shaming. Please, let's just quit cold turkey.

Yes, think body shaming or slut shaming but instead people are getting bashed for loving someone. WHAT?! It sounds absolutely ridiculous.  You would think people would just love the world around them including those in love.  Oh... so not the case! And it's heart breaking, annoying, and sad.


I've experienced it first hand and I've heard people doing it about others. I just don't get it.  Why would we ever want someone to feel horrible about the adventure that they're on?  Who are we to judge?  And why are we so fast to do so?

What I'm talking about is not when a friend has true concerns about the health of a relationship and expresses them with a sincere heart.  I'm talking about the snide comments, the looks, the talking behind their "friends" backs, or the mockery that happens around "quick" relationships.  It may just be my age group that does it, I 'm not sure.  But I think it's "easy" for my age group to do it because everyone is in a different walk of life.  Whether single and working it, single and mingling, dating, engaged, married, expecting, a house full of family.. in the 20s and early 30s you can easily find it all!


Being single, a life of mingling, or being married- there is no right or wrong answer for love.

The thing that gets me about those that love shame should look inward.  And that more often than not it's not just comments.  It's actions, looks, words, and then the assuming of what the "couple" would want to do or be interested in.

If someone told me a couple years ago that my "friends" would love shame me, go along for the ride, and eventually throw my husband and I out of the picture I wouldn't have believed them.  Love shaming starts with comments like "she's a train wreck", " they moved fast", "aren't they a little young", or "didn't she just have a break up?"  Love shaming doesn't just happen to those in relationships.  People get bashed all the time for "getting back out there too quickly", "not knowing what they want", or "not letting the past go".

I was dating someone when I met David.  And before we knew it, I had made decisions and he and I started dating.  One year later, we were engaged.  And boy did we get some looks and even "friends" made comments.  We weren't stupid and we're still not.  But you know what- we FELL, we literally fell in love.  You can't decide when you fall in love, it just happens. Even still, I feel that there are people out there who look at "young relationships" just waiting for them to "crash and burn".  Not just young marriages, but engagements or even after just a first or second date.

Why are people so spiteful and have so much hate in their heart?  Why are they sending negatively to those of us that are just creating more "love" in the world and are in genuine happiness?  What's so bad about being madly in love?  Nothing.

So to all of you in love- young, old, fresh, or forever- keep on lovin'!  To those of you out there and putting your heart on the line- keep following your heart and don't ever let anyone make you feel unworthy of love or ready for that belly turning, heart thumping, ADVENTURE!

leave the "eh" behind

hugs, abi

The Big 3 I've Learned in our First 3

Our third anniversary is just around the corner and man we've learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and US.

1. TEAM

Cliche, I know.  But we learned very quickly that we are a team.  Not just on the sand court, but every moment of every single day.  And yes, sometimes it's easier said than done.  A relationship works with two active, supportive people.  One doing all the work, making all the decisions, or carrying the load will not last.  And if it does I believe it comes with resentment and exhaustion.  

So what does being a team mean?  It's easy to say we are.  Being a team means working side by side in more ways than one.
 Husbands and wives are to plan together- have a similar big picture.  A happy and lasting marriage relies on a solid foundation of friendship and team.  Of course, there are situations you might accept you're not the best team.  (whether that be because you're both competitive and can't handle loosing a game)  Dave and I stink at doing yard work together!  We'll both go outside but we won't work on the same exact project.  The time or two we tried it.. the "left foot wasn't talking to the right" and the excitement of outdoor work and heat plus getting frustrated killed our moods real quick and it was not a fun situation.  We're great at working towards a goal together but not necessarily on the same task. 

And don't forget to fight as a team!  If you get in an argument, step back and remember what you're arguing about.  Should it be a me vs. you or should it an us vs. the problem.  Be allies!  

2. Communicate.  Don't ASSUME!

We all know what happens when you assume.. and that's ten times more true when you're married.  Yes, Dave and I can finish each others' sentences and we say we have ESP- sometimes we're that good!  BUT that does not mean he can just read my mind!

We had a perfect example a couple months ago.  We were at an event for Dave.  My friend and I went to the event.  Dave then went on that evening and I felt blown off.  Was I over reacting?  eh.. maybe!  But the thing was, I was frustrated and hurt because in my mind I saw all of us getting dinner and such after.  But did I tell him that idea? NO!  When he got home and I told him this- he felt horrible that I was hurt and felt left out but he was right- he cannot read my mind.  

And it's not fair for us to think our spouse can whether you're wrapping up your first year of marriage or your 60th year.  So communicate- early, often, and listen!  

3. Have FUN! 

Once you've been a married a bit- it is so EASY to get in a routine.  Don't get me wrong routines are great!  But we need to remember all the t-shirt sayings...  

-You only live once

-You only get this day, today

-We don't remember days, we remember moments
-Tomorrow is never guaranteed

So what?  Well if you have a moment where you're feeling "stuck", lame, or just a bit down- have some fun!  Break your routine if even for just 30 minutes.

If you're the calendaring type- then put a date night or two on there!  If you're not- when you feel this way- go, do it, have some fun! Fun doesn't have to take the whole day or break the bank- just mix it up, or crank the music and cook dinner, go get frozen yogurt, hit up your neighborhood pool, the options are endless to break up routine! 

Now that three years are in the book, it'll be interesting to see how our life turns and twists and asks for more of us!  Just remember fight together, don't ASSume, and have fun! 

leave the eh behind

hugs,

abi 

Before the Most Important Walk

Are you, your child, grandchild, or loved one about to walk down the aisle?  If so, these are the things that David and I have come up with that we will make our children do and encourage grandchildren and others to do as well when they thinking they're about ready to say "I do".

1. The couple must travel together.
You don't have to sleep in the same bed or same room.. but traveling together is a must.  And not a stay-cation.. like GO AWAY! It's amazing what you'll learn about each other when you travel- weird things the other does in routine, are they an absolute planner or can they go with the breeze.  Does something drive you absolutely bonkers about them now that you're together all the time one on one?  Can you handle the silence that being together for so long might provide?  How do you handle a bump in the road... whether the museum is closed, the weather is horrible, you missed the train or flight, or someone's under the weather..
And if things get "heated", how do you bounce back? (hoping someone doesn't fly home solo!)
Trust me, Dave and I went to New York after about 9 months of dating and we learned a lot about each other.  First of all- 98 degree heat, walking on my feet all day, and waiting for the wrong train- makes for a crabby Abi.

2. Talk about MONEY
Yes, money.  It's one of the hardest topics but it's said that over 40% of marriages experience extreme stress due to money. Not only that but money fights predict divorce rates.  So what can you do about that?  Talk about money early on... whether you're 6 months into dating or got engaged yesterday.  The "earlier" the better.  Try living on a budget together.  I understand you may live apart.. but try it!  (if so, take out your individual bills -electric, gas, rent, etc.- first and then go from there) It's hard to talk about so you have to "practice" in a sense to get good at it.  (In just a couple weeks I'll be diving into our budget if you want some ideas)

3. Talk with your mom
Sit down, whether planned or it naturally happens and just sit, listen, and talk with your mom or someone in a motherly role.  Sometimes it's hard for us to admit it but moms are pretty good at being right.  I'll never forget the day my mom told me that dave just "fits in so easily with our family".  (She told me a year later, that it was that weekend that she knew he was the one for me)  Just listen to her- no one in the world loves you more and if she has concerns (trust me, I know they're unbearable to hear) but you really should take them to heart.

4. Talk with your significant other about GOALS

What? Goals?  Yes, every marriage needs goals.  Where do you see yourself in 6 months, 10 years, 20 years?  As a couple- financially, employment, family, experiences?  Travel the US? Commit to service?  Or be workaholics, see success and think about family later? None of these are bad or wrong.. but you need to go into a marriage with realistic goals and a supportive significant other.  I understand people grow and change.. but without this conversation you won't have a firm foundation.

5. And lastly, build furniture
Are you serious Abi?  YES!  Go to IKEA, Big Lots, wherever and buy furniture that you have to assemble.  (Dave and I already decided we're going to lock our children and their sign. other in a room with the furniture and they can't come out until it's done)  The directions are most of time a bunch of crap, the tools they give you are inadequate so it causes you to use your best judgement, be resourceful, and stay cool, calm, and collected (which is sometimes very hard to do in those situations)  If you get it built and there's not too many tears- I'd call it a success!

Is your marriage or engagement fool proof?  Nah, but I will tell you.. doing these 5 things when "I do" is starting to sound good will help you decide if they are right and if the time is right!  

leave the "eh" behind

hugs,

abi 

I Got On Stage Last Night

Yes, almost three years married and I got on stage at the bar.  Just because you have a ring on your finger doesn't mean you have to be a bump on a log!

I absolutely love live music and my "introvert coat" tends to come off when I'm with my best friends and music is playing.  So yeah, I was on stage with my friends, the piano player, and then a bachelorette party I was definitely not a part of.  And David knew it.  He was at a table just chatting and hanging with a friend, doing his thing.

I would've done it whether he was there or not!  Remember now, dueling piano bar, nothing too risky.  But still, some wouldn't even think about it out of fear of what their significant other would say or do.  That's no way to live!  (And honestly, it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time)

So what does it mean?  Dave just doesn't care?  Or that I don't care about him...   No, it means we both have an unwavering amount of trust and that we know what we got into!

David met me when I was 20 and let's just say that 20 year old girl will always be in me (even if just a little bit).  And I hope he'd be sad if that wasn't the case.  I'm still the care-free, adventurous college girl he fell in love with and she's not going anywhere!  (sorry, not sorry)  So just remember your significant other, is still that same person you fell in love with so many years ago. And even if they're not 22 anymore, they still need to be able to let go and be carefree for a bit here and there.  We put too much on our plates most times as adults and "adult too hard".  We all need to let go a bit and that could look differently for every single person.  But we need it, to stay mentally and emotionally happy and healthy.  So if something is just calling your name and maybe it's not very "adult-y", by all means- if it's something you want to do- just do it!

I think sometimes couples get too serious and it turns into routine and monotonous rather than still being "young" and enjoying life together, letting the other thrive and like Tim McGraw says to "live like you're dying".  Don't forget doing something silly like getting on stage might just cause your guy or girl to have the biggest smile because they love the crap out of you or they'll take a video to show your kids and laugh with you later about it.  Know your level of trust with each other and be willing to let each other breathe and grow- it's crucial to a healthy relationship.

leave the "eh" behind

and go dance your butt off!

hugs,

abi 

5 things I don't regret about my wedding

Now that we're a couple years from our wedding and we have many friends and family in the wedding planning stage I can't help but think back on our big day.  So I've come up with the top 5 things I don't regret and that I would do the exact same if we did the wedding over. (I'd marry Dave again of course!)

1. We did written vows after the rehearsal dinner, just the two of us.  

When people were finishing their food and socializing, David and I stepped away to another area of the park.  We had photos taken during this moment.. and they are photos we will cherish forever.  This way we did our "typical" vows during the ceremony the next day but we were still able to make things personal, sincere, and special.  Let me tell you, it would have been bad if I wrote them for the ceremony.  I was already crying during the ceremony and if we read our own I definitely would've been a blubbering mess.  

2.  We didn't do a first look.   

And we didn't do pictures together before the ceremony.  

I was adamant on this and I'm so glad I was.  Seeing Dave's face when the doors opened and I entered the sanctuary was unforgettable.  I knew for sure Dave would not see me before the wedding.  I briefly considered a first look but I'm so glad that we didn't.  The moment was still on camera.  I was sure that each photographer was set- one on David and one on me.  Therefore, I have the photos but I also have the amazing memory of the door opening, being next to my dad, my heart racing, and seeing Dave's face.

3. We DANCED our butts off. 

Yes, we visited almost every table one on one but boy did we dance and dance!  And not just with each other but with friends and relatives.  The memories and the photographs from the dance floor are priceless!  The coolest thing about having a hoppin' dance floor is that it brings your guests together- no matter their relation.

4. Alone time!
We were able to have some alone time by having our own ride.  I know people will disagree with this (and I understand!) because I know a party bus is awesome with your bridal party.  But Dave and I had a stretch hummer limo all to ourselves from the ceremony to the reception and it was perfect.  We took our first "selfies" as husband and wife, rolled the windows down, and then just basked in our very first moments as husband and wife.  We almost needed the "de-brief" (from the crazy hectic day and year leading up to), needed simple alone time, and the time to just let it sink in- what we're really celebrating.


5. Having kids at and in the wedding

I just don't really get weddings where kids are not "permitted".  Maybe you want a stone cold, silent ceremony..?  I don't know.  But I do know there was laughter, tears, and maybe even a holler or two at the end (and no not from the kids) I'll tell ya what.. you are so fixed in the moment, you almost forget people are there sometimes.  You don't think about sucking it in or constantly smiling.. you get lost in the your fiance's face and just experience the moment with them.  And then at the reception.. who wouldn't want kids?  Half the time they get the dance floor started and they're always great entertainment!

So take it for what it's worth... these are the 5 things I absolutely wouldn't change about our wedding and have absolutely no regret about.

leave the "eh" behind

hugs,

abi 

10 GO-TOs for a lifetime of I DO's

So that couple seems OH SO HAPPY!  Don't be envious. 

That girl is smokin' hot. Don't dream, desire, or act on it!

Yeah, you fight a lot. That doesn't mean it's over. 

THE GRASS IS GREEN WHERE YOU WATER IT--

in the front yard, back yard, and in relationships. 

If you're frustrated, envious, broken, hurting, alone.. ask yourself why. And DO something about it.  Don't run or hide.  But do something about it, water your grass and watch your relationship flourish.   

If you've been together a while then there's bound to be things you could bring up to tear the other person down.  A big fight, miscommunication, being hurt, ignored, or family conflict.  If they're trying to change, we've got to encourage them to do so without throwing the rocks.   I know it's easier said than done because some acts or words will always be a "trump card" but if there's legitimate effort to change.. help them out!

Your spouse isn't any different... students, athletes, bosses, cashiers.. tone matters and we all know it.  So we can't let that go when we are talking with our spouse.  We can express hurt, anger, disappointment, etc without being rude, disrespectful and in result causing more damage. 

 

Don't get me wrong.. I am all about my family and friends.  But my mom said it perfectly to me when David and I got engaged.  "Dave is your family now, you need to do what works for you two."  My mom is right (more often than I'd sometimes like to admit).  And I say this to myself often when calendaring, planning holidays, etc.  He is my number 1, I would still do anything for those dear to me but it's US and we need to do what works for US. (Even if others don't understand or agree sometimes)

Whether it's gambling, sex, drugs, or alcohol, etc.. all things these provide temporary pleasure.  Pleasure to the point you forget your problems or you forget about that ring on your finger.  Regret will set in faster than you can walk out of the bar, sober up, or get your pants on.  I'm not saying a trip to the casino or having a few drinks will bring you regret.. but when it's affecting your marriage, your friendships, your work.. it has become a problem.

I understand people love the bachelor and bachelorette ("reality tv" hooks yea somehow), but I have doubt about such quick "love-seeking" relationships.  A happy marriage starts with a foundation of friendship.  Yes, things can happen quickly.  Dave and I were "friends" and dating for one year and then got engaged.  But we were friends and because of that foundation we continue to still have fun together.  (And on top of that.. I tend to believe they'll come into your life or the picture, right when you least expect and when you're not looking for someone)

Money is great.  So is having some capital letters after your name and so are those name brand golf clubs and handbags.  But those things can't love you back and they won't truly give you happiness.  We need to give our spouse more attention and more love than we give the other things.  Many of us work 40 + hours a week.  Do we even spend half that amount of time doing quality things with our spouse?  (not just sleeping) It's definitely something to think about... 

I know we sometimes cringe when we see PDA especially if it's your parents or grandparents.  But that should be our goal- to still be attracted to the other person and to feel a connection with that person even when we're a little wrinkly or saggy.

Dave and I are not there yet.. but we see it all around us.  And it's so true!  Once you are parents...your relationship matters that much more.  You don't just become a mom or dad- you form a unique family.  You need to be a husband or wife first to keep your family whole.  Those little ones, or big ones (yes adult children too) count on you!

I've heard "too much" on a couple occasions from my mom and grandma but it must be true.  I do know that my grandparents were "frisky" until a just a couple years before my grandpa passed.  And talk about love!  They were it!  68 years of marriage.  So if that means you have to fight clean.. and have some fun in between the sheets.. well so be it!

Remember these 10 and you'll have a lifetime of "I DO"!

leave the "eh" behind

hugs,

abi